Trip to the seaside!

I needed to spend some time by myself, get my head straight and get happy.
There's just something about the sea that is calming, makes me think, and makes me feel good about life all at once.

Deserted beach - so quiet and peaceful and amazingly sunny for January

I hopped on a train and spent the whole day at the seaside. I walked along the beach, sat in a greasy spoon and ate fish and chips, wandered around the town poking about in the shops, and got my teeth stuck into a book. It was lovely!

Found this tshirt in a charity shop. It's meant to be a men's shirt but it was only a pound so I'm going to use it to sleep in. Oversized shirts are so comfy and a bright happy one might help make grey early mornings a little more bearable :D

Stupid ex

Really starting to get sick of having to see my ex virtually every day.
He's on the same university course as me, so every time I go to a lecture he's there.
Usually he's already sat in his seat near the front, and I have to walk across the front of the room and go past him to get to where I like to sit at the back. I try to ignore him and pretend I can't see him so I've managed to avoid making any kind of eye contact for a good few weeks. But when I'm sat down I can see his stupid fat head at the front of the class and it's just so IRRITATING!
Any feelings I ever had for him have just turned to hate.
Getting with him was the biggest mistake I've ever made.
In two weeks it will be a year since that fateful night when we first hooked up. I'm so ashamed thinking of it now, it wasn't at all how I thought it would go down. I was absolutely off my face drunk and there are big chunks of that night I still don't remember. How I let that turn into a six month relationship is beyond me, thinking about it just makes me angry at myself. Was I that desperate for a boyfriend that I was willing to put up with HIM?
We were 'fuck buddies' for ages because he didn't want a girlfriend, and I just went along with it because I had no idea what I was doing. I didn't really want to be in a relationship with him, but I hated being treated like a dirty little secret. All he ever talked about was whether any of my flat mates had twigged what was happening... Looking back now I have no idea why I did it because I don't find him attractive at all. I'm not saying that I'm good looking, but he wasn't pushing any buttons for me. The whole thing just makes me feel really stupid, and having to see him all the time is a constant reminder of how badly I screwed up.

No point bitching and moaning

I think I've got most of it out of my system.
I still feel really down but crying isn't going to change that.

I started today by watching The Fat Fighters on 4oD - I think I need someone to shout at me to make me work hard! I can't afford a personal trainer so I had to make do with youtube videos. This 3 part routine is classed as a warm up, but I'm so out of shape that it was a good work out for me.

I'm still trying to work out what to let myself eat. I feel like doing some crazy restricting to punish myself, but I really don't want to end up bingeing again so I can't be TOO harsh. Maybe just limit myself to soup for the rest of the week?

:(

Feeling very miserable now.
I just burst into tears and couldn't control myself. I'm so full of hate towards myself.
I've started drinking vodka to stop myself from eating because I've eaten so much I feel sick but I still can't stop.
I sound so pathetic...

Yeowch

186lbs.
That is the heaviest I have ever been in my entire life.
This sucks.

I weigh the same as:

This world record breaking burger.

31 house bricks.

4 adult Merino sheep.



Yuck, yuck, yuck.

Better knuckle down...

So I've been a bit naughty recently, haven't really been paying much attention to what goes in my mouth, so I'm going to start keeping a food diary to hopefully shock myself into eating better.
Tomorrow is Monday so I'm going to consider it a fresh start. I'll also do a weigh in which is bound to be depressing because I just feel bigger than ever. Today my tummy is just HUGE so I need some flat, toned inspiration...

GORGEOUS!!!

Muffins!

I'm really into baking atm. For christmas one friend got me a recipe book full of cupcake, cookie and muffin recipes and another friend got me a cupcake stand so I've been making the most of them.
<- These are my carrot and corriander muffins I made this afternoon.
I didn't leave them in the oven for long enough, but the last batch I made I burnt the bottoms of, so maybe my next batch will be perfect!
I deliberately made savory muffins so that I wouldn't be as tempted to eat them all - I don't want a muffin top after all! (Bad pun intended :P)

Getting CRUNK!

Got rather tipsy this evening, or 'crunk' as my housemate would say.
Started off with 2/3rds bottle of rose wine then had a Morning Glory in a cocktail bar. I had a quick google for the recipe and can't find two that agree but I'm pretty sure my verson contained absinthe, brandy, bitters and lemon. It tasted rather aniseed-y, a bit like a mixture of sambucca and tequila. Not my favourite thing to drink but it got the job done :P
I hate to think how many calories I mindlessly consume when drinking. Usually I'd probably burn most of them off by dancing for a few hours but we couldn't face the long queues in the cold to get into a club. None of the clubs in this town are worth standing around for two hours!

My Inspiration

I know it's not very realistic, but the person I most wish I looked like is Anne Hathaway.
I guess it's because she's not uber thin, I think she'd about 120 lbs although she does seem to have become slimmer recently. Plus her hair and her eyes and that SMILE, I just think she's gorgeous. I loved her in The Princess Diaries and The Devil Wears Prada - I can identify with her goofy, unfashionable, out of place characters and only hope that I can transform myself like they do.

I love this picture because it's so natural, she's not posing under lights covered in make-up and airbrushed. Plus I am so envious of that stomach, my fat rolls are my biggest insecurity and dictate everything I wear and how I feel. I even think I could put up with everything else if I just had a reasonably flat stomach.

I wish I had arms like that! I'm too self conscious of my 'bingo-wings' to wear sleeveless tops so even on really hot days I cover up with a cardigan, although in Yorkshire that only tends to be a problem one day a year!!

Those legs...
I generally go for knee length skirts, and would never dream of wearing a shorter one without tights. It would be so nice to be able to wear shorts.

This is a pretty good example of the kind of outfit I like to wear on a daily basis (when I'm not being lazy in jeans and a hoody), but it just doesn't look as good when you're chubby.

Charity Shop Shopping

Had a browse round some charity shops today and got all of these clothes for £40, considering that four of the items were bnwt I'd call that a successful trip! I'm trying to stick to a budget because I've decided to save up for a holiday to Barcelona this Easter - hopefully I'll be able to go for four or five nights at the end of March, I've been looking at hostels and getting very excited! It won't be hot beach weather by then so I don't have to stress about being bikini ready, but if I'm going to be clubbing every night that is massive motivation to look good.

My Starting Point

I want to change.

I NEED to change.

Putting photos like these online might not be the best idea, but hey. If they are semi-public it will make me feel more accountable. The anonymity of the internet can make people harsh, but I think any comments would only make me more determined.

That's all 5'10", 184lbs of me.