Trip to the seaside!

I needed to spend some time by myself, get my head straight and get happy.
There's just something about the sea that is calming, makes me think, and makes me feel good about life all at once.

Deserted beach - so quiet and peaceful and amazingly sunny for January

I hopped on a train and spent the whole day at the seaside. I walked along the beach, sat in a greasy spoon and ate fish and chips, wandered around the town poking about in the shops, and got my teeth stuck into a book. It was lovely!

Found this tshirt in a charity shop. It's meant to be a men's shirt but it was only a pound so I'm going to use it to sleep in. Oversized shirts are so comfy and a bright happy one might help make grey early mornings a little more bearable :D

Stupid ex

Really starting to get sick of having to see my ex virtually every day.
He's on the same university course as me, so every time I go to a lecture he's there.
Usually he's already sat in his seat near the front, and I have to walk across the front of the room and go past him to get to where I like to sit at the back. I try to ignore him and pretend I can't see him so I've managed to avoid making any kind of eye contact for a good few weeks. But when I'm sat down I can see his stupid fat head at the front of the class and it's just so IRRITATING!
Any feelings I ever had for him have just turned to hate.
Getting with him was the biggest mistake I've ever made.
In two weeks it will be a year since that fateful night when we first hooked up. I'm so ashamed thinking of it now, it wasn't at all how I thought it would go down. I was absolutely off my face drunk and there are big chunks of that night I still don't remember. How I let that turn into a six month relationship is beyond me, thinking about it just makes me angry at myself. Was I that desperate for a boyfriend that I was willing to put up with HIM?
We were 'fuck buddies' for ages because he didn't want a girlfriend, and I just went along with it because I had no idea what I was doing. I didn't really want to be in a relationship with him, but I hated being treated like a dirty little secret. All he ever talked about was whether any of my flat mates had twigged what was happening... Looking back now I have no idea why I did it because I don't find him attractive at all. I'm not saying that I'm good looking, but he wasn't pushing any buttons for me. The whole thing just makes me feel really stupid, and having to see him all the time is a constant reminder of how badly I screwed up.

No point bitching and moaning

I think I've got most of it out of my system.
I still feel really down but crying isn't going to change that.

I started today by watching The Fat Fighters on 4oD - I think I need someone to shout at me to make me work hard! I can't afford a personal trainer so I had to make do with youtube videos. This 3 part routine is classed as a warm up, but I'm so out of shape that it was a good work out for me.

I'm still trying to work out what to let myself eat. I feel like doing some crazy restricting to punish myself, but I really don't want to end up bingeing again so I can't be TOO harsh. Maybe just limit myself to soup for the rest of the week?

:(

Feeling very miserable now.
I just burst into tears and couldn't control myself. I'm so full of hate towards myself.
I've started drinking vodka to stop myself from eating because I've eaten so much I feel sick but I still can't stop.
I sound so pathetic...

Yeowch

186lbs.
That is the heaviest I have ever been in my entire life.
This sucks.

I weigh the same as:

This world record breaking burger.

31 house bricks.

4 adult Merino sheep.



Yuck, yuck, yuck.

Better knuckle down...

So I've been a bit naughty recently, haven't really been paying much attention to what goes in my mouth, so I'm going to start keeping a food diary to hopefully shock myself into eating better.
Tomorrow is Monday so I'm going to consider it a fresh start. I'll also do a weigh in which is bound to be depressing because I just feel bigger than ever. Today my tummy is just HUGE so I need some flat, toned inspiration...

GORGEOUS!!!

Muffins!

I'm really into baking atm. For christmas one friend got me a recipe book full of cupcake, cookie and muffin recipes and another friend got me a cupcake stand so I've been making the most of them.
<- These are my carrot and corriander muffins I made this afternoon.
I didn't leave them in the oven for long enough, but the last batch I made I burnt the bottoms of, so maybe my next batch will be perfect!
I deliberately made savory muffins so that I wouldn't be as tempted to eat them all - I don't want a muffin top after all! (Bad pun intended :P)