Saturday, 4 February 2012

The last conversation

i hated you so much the sight of you made me angry, that took too much energy, now i really don't care about you, i guess you'd say i'd totally moved on

well i've not. and you starting talking to me made me really confused
now im not sure i should be happy cause we're talking, or i should be sad cause it doesnt really matter

well i did't expect you to talk back, and you started the convo today, take from that what you will, i'd be fine never talking to you again

well okay
well, my mistake. i got my hopes up
just that talking to you made me feel happy, that's all

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as much you would like to say that you say what the hell you want to whoever and whenever, you need to think about others first

i don't think i need to consider your feelings anymore

so am i less than anyone you know?

pretty much

im just going to not talk about this anymore
because given in any circumstance if someones else would be in my place, they would probably try to say a lot of hurtful things
but i'm just going to forget it. really. i'm just miserable and tired now

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this is what i am telling you. i think that you're really lovely and i understand why you treat me horribly and i accept the fact. thats the truth
because i was really happy being with you together and i wish i didnt mess it up
nothing changes even how much i tell you how i feel about us cause it doesnt matter to you

well you can look at it through rose tinted lenses if you like, but i'm realistic

im realistic enough to know that its over for us
i just want to keep whatever memories i still have, and live with it cause i rather know something beautiful happened than knowing how it ended

but nothing beautiful happened! we were terrible together!

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can you atleast tell me the truth about what was going on with your ex? that is the one thing that still really bugs me

she doesnt exist
she is just someone whom i met on the internet and childishly started an internet long distance relationship

so what about the whole 'i came to uni in england to be near her' thing?

she was in LSE (or so she said), and i decided to go to england to find out if she's real or not
but she left jus when i got here
so yeah

so after we broke up you just decided to pretend that you were back together?

hah
i just want to make it look as if i'm dealing with our break up quite well
but apparantly not
because i have really strong feelings for you

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i really cannot think of one horrible thing to say to you, but i can come up with a few to say about myself

well i doubt all of them are justified

i'm pretty sure they are
firstly, i shouldnt have made you do things that you dont like
like, cutting your hair and dying it black
and things like wanting to put on make up and wearing glossy stockings
i really should have kept my mouth shut because the way i see it now, i'm such a dickhead telling you what i think its good or not for you
because you should be able to do or wear whatever you want or like
and you just accommodated to me and did it anyways
and now when i look at it, i'm such a dickhead, so that's one largely to blame and i deserve a lot of horrible punishment

well if it was just the hair and the tights and stuff like that it'd be one thing. but how you made me feel for all those months... yeah karma

how did i make you feel?
will you tell me?

you made me feel weak-willed, because i just ended up doing what you wanted even when i really didn't want to do it. you made me feel like i went against all my principles. the things you said to my friends were constantly embarassing. i felt stupid. I felt like a slut.

i never knew how to treat a person properly, not even my girlfriend
now i understand why people tell me that im horrible
i know this may sound ridiculous, but is there any way i can do to slowly make it up to you?
because i really need to do it, if not i will feel miserable for the rest of my life now

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i want you to know that i can change

well, pro-tip, don't drunkenly sleep with someone, brush them off, ask them out, sleep with them, dump them, be friends with benefits, ask them out and then continue treating them like friends with benefits. i went along with it becuae i didn't know what i was doing. but i shouldn't have and i'd never do it again, and i recommend that you don't if you don't want to look like a dickhead

really. i should be shot
i wasnt sure what the hell i was doing either
because in all fairness, and this may mean nothing to you, i do really want you to be my girlfriend and if i do it again, i'll take a different approach by dating you and taking time to actually know you
i really messed up big and good and i truly believe that i need to be punished for this, but i also want to show you that i'm not that person whom i was that
its after that you have doubts about us, then i realise how much i really want to be with you and how i want to be perfect for you but i dunno how
also ...
the teddy bears you made for me, and you stuffed it with your glossy stockings
everything i think of you, i would look at the bear that you made for me, and it smells like you cause of your perfume
i should have taken into consideration when you say 'no kilts' for our formal
i bet it made you feel embarassed and if i could do it again, i would have wore a suit which you really loved
:(
i cant help but feel horrible
cause i know how horrible i made you felt, and i have no right to miss you :(

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i want it to be crystal clear that i am not interested in even being friends. i don't want to lead you on or anything. but if a lunch would mean something to you, then it gives us an opportunity to say any last things and then afterwards I'll consider us history, move on, and never mention it again.

but i really want you in my life

i want to forget that you were in my life

i know its been half a year now but i still do miss you a lot ...

i don't think i ever felt that strongly even when we were together

even so, i feel that way though
sometimes i just lie in bed thinking about the things that went wrong and how its my fault all along
i dont expect to change the past, but i do want to make a better future
just give me a chance and let me change and maybe that will change your mind

no, i won't change my mind. Even if your behaviour was impecible, I don't find you attractive
i don't know why it took me so long to twig, i guess i was excited to be in my first proper relationship, but you are not my type at all
so will you just concentrate on moving on?

i really do not want to talk to you, or see you now. i thought that you talking to me is a good sign, but ive mistaken once again. its going to be awkward between us and you have to live with it for a year or two. i never thought you were a bitch for not talking to me by the way
i was doing so well until you talked to me again, so im really crushed right now
really. i dont want to talk to you now
youve destroyed every remaining last happy memories i had for us
i hope you're happy now, cause i feel absolutely miserable
to think, that i'm still so silly to even have the photo that we took together framed up
everyday i get reminded of you by it, and how sweet i think that we looked together
but now, you've ruined everything for me
i am going to return your book
and i'll burn the rest of our photos and stuff
i really do not want to get reminded of us anymore because i feel really sad now

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