Photos on Facebook

One of the downsides of friends being able to upload and tag you in photos is that everyone gets to see monstrosities like this:

I look so BIG!
For once it's not all in my head, I actually look so much fatter than all my friends in the photos from that night. I had a great time whilst I was there, but that is hard to remember when I realise what I must have looked like to everyone else.

Ill

I have a horrible sore throat, sore neck, a pounding head and no energy.
Needless to say, exercise is the last thing I feel like doing.
I'm trying hard not to eat everything in the cupboards.

Trying to clamber back on to the bandwagon...

...but it's pretty difficult because I'm now 192lbs.
How on earth did I gain so much weight in such a short amount of time?
It's like my metabolism has just packed in and decided that everything I eat will turn straight to fat.

I've never told my mum what I weigh, but she started talking about cupcakes just after I had weighed myself so I told her I need to lose two stone just to be in the healthy category. Hopefully that will shut her up about how my friends must be 'jealous of your figure'. What world is she living in? I don't have a figure, I'm a blob, whilst my heaviest friend is probably 9 stone. I don't care that I'm the fat friend, I will always be bigger than the rest of them no matter what I do, but my mums comments just get under my skin.

When I crash, I crash hard

Oh dear, yesterday didn't go too well.
I had the whole day off from uni and really should have done some work.
Instead I spent the entire day in bed watching House and eating.
My disgusting intake was as follows:
A whole pan of cinder toffee
A bacon sandwich made with two rashers
Four pancakes with lemon juice and sugar
Two bars of galaxy
Aubergine lasagne
A whole tub of Ben and Jerry's Phish Food icecream
A bag of Haribo Tangtastics
A 2L bottle of lemon and lime

YUCK YUCK YUCK.
Trying to get back on track today and not think about how much I screwed up.
Weighed in this morning and my weight hasn't gone up at all, so as long as I'm good for the rest of the week it shouldn't damage my progress.

Sunshine

After my lovely lie in, I went and sat outside in the sunshine and browsed tumblr and listened to happy songs and ate watermelon.
Gave yoga a go, did this very basic video:

It makes me feel SO relaxed, love it.

Long day

Got absolutely everything on my to-do list done today, starting with getting up hideously early and going swimming. I also made progress on my practical report, got cleaning and laundry done, went food shopping, and had a go at making cinder toffee and doing the glass painting for the mother's day gift I'm making (chocolate covered honeycomb in a jar decorated with bees).
My dad called round unexpectedly, he'd been out on his motorbike and was in the area so dropped by for a coffee and a chat which was nice. He gave me some money because he's been paid for fitting a bathroom and it was a big job so he'd given some money to each of my brothers as well. That was a really nice surprise! Not sure what I want to do with it yet, although I kind of feel like going on a daytrip/short stay to London over the easter holidays so I might put it towards that.
It's past 1am now so I should probably go to bed, think I'll treat myself to a lie in =)

Mood Swings

I'd been feeling good about myself today.
I even randomly started smiling as I was walking along because I felt so happy.
Then this evening I was chatting with my housemates and I mentioned something about how I wanted to be different by the time I was 21, and the convo got serious and I started reflecting about my life and how I don't feel I've achieved anything and are worried about the future and feel like I'm not making the most of being young, and I got myself rather wound up and now feel quite down.
It's like I go through life laughing and joking, and in the moment I am actually happy, but there's always this undertone of dissatisfaction and self doubt and sometimes I just got on with things but other times it makes me feel bad. It is actually very tricky to put into words how I feel, because it's not like I'm sad and crying all the time but I still wouldn't say that I am actually properly happy.
But I have made progress.
Whereas I used to binge eat when I felt like this, instead I have made plans to get up at 6:45 tomorrow and go for an early morning swim. Some endorphins should make me feel better!

Sushi!

I have been craving sushi really badly which is weird because I rarely eat it.
I found out online where the only decent sushi place is in town. It looks a bit dodgy and run down, but its authentic and all the customers seem to be chinese or japanese which is a pretty good recommendation.
It took me half an hour to walk there, but once I'd ordered it only took them 5 minutes to make it and then I took it home to savour it.

I'm not sure about the nutritional/calorie content of sushi, but as far as treats go its way better than a greasy pizza.
I might go to the chinese supermarket and find out how much it would cost to buy all the things I'd need to make my own sushi. I've had plenty of practice at making cucumber and crabstick rolls with my ex so I already know how to do it.

Productive day

Spent a good four hours in the library making notes from a textbook.
Stopped halfway through to investigate the new library cafe and tried a bacon, brie and mango chutney panini, it was just what I needed and melted in my mouth, so tasty.
Then this evening I set off for the swimming pool at six, was in the pool by seven, swam for 45mins, then got back home for nine. I was so grateful for my dinner by that point!
I tried making frozen yoghurt drops by putting blobs on a tray and whacking it in the freezer for an hour. It was just like having icecream but they melted very quickly as I was trying to pick them off the tray and it got a bit messy.
Just about ready to go to bed now, I could do with an early night.
I've been thinking about my exercise regime. I'm meant to be doing the 30 day shred still, but I spent a good two and a half weeks on the first stage because I kept missing days, and when I tried the second stage I wasn't really in the mood and it didn't seem very enjoyable. I only managed to motivate myself to do the first half then I gave up, and I still can't do a press up so they really put me off. So I think I might find a different series of videos, there are plenty out there to have a go at. That means my new plan is:
Monday - Workout video
Tuesday - Run
Wednesday - Swim
Thursday - Rest/yoga
Friday - Run
Saturday - Swim
Sunday - Rest/yoga

Next week is the last week of term though, so I don't know how well I'll stick to it once I go back home, but as I won't have any lectures to go to I should have plenty of time to work out.

Hungry

I've eaten really healthily today:
Muesli with a diced apple
Wholemeal pitta with a slice ham and lettuce
1 stick celery
About 10cm piece cucumber
Portion cauliflower curry (aprox 350 calories)
1/4 watermelon

I have also had TWO banana and lemon curd sandwiches made with wholemeal bread which work out at about 250 cals each
Even with the sandwiches I don't think my overall calories would be over my (very vague) target of 1200-1800, but I really don't want to have another snack now and then lose control and ruin it all. So despite the fact that I'm feeling hungry, I am not eating anything else.

I went for a run this morning. I went to bed a bit late last night and it was really cold when I woke up and I really just wanted to go back to sleep but I dragged myself out. I'm not fit enough to run continuously for any length of time, so rather than get disheartened I run for a minute then walk for a minute. It's just enough time to recover and then I'm back running again, so I can do it several times and run for longer in total than if I tried to do it all at once. My plan is to gradually increase the running, decrease the walking and do more sets. I'm being cautious though because I'm prone to shin splints despite following all the advice for beginner runners, so to make sure I don't over do it (and to stop running from becoming a chore I dread), I'm only going to run once a week.

Perspective

So I've been doing very well for the past few days. This morning my weight was back down the 3lbs I randomly put on a week ago so I was happy about that.
Overall though I'm only down 2lbs from the first measurement on my weightloss graph (186lbs) and I think I've been deluding myself that I've been making more progress than I actually have. I'm still over 13 stone which is the heaviest weight I usually ever get to, so I still haven't got to the weight I usually start a diet at.
At night when I'm feeling a bit hungry before I fall asleep I feel my stomach and have been kidding myself that it feels a bit smaller.
Now I'm not trying to rain on a parade - because I've decided to do this the healthy way and make it a lifestyle choice I know its going to take time. But if I get ahead of myself I'll start rewarding myself with treats or relaxing back into old habbits and that won't help me at all!
So I dug out my other pair of jeans and tried them on. They are size 14 straight leg. I bought them the weekend before I came back to uni after the summer and they just about fit. They were snug and a bit uncomfy if I was sat down for a while, but they were wearable. They are now VERY snug, so I am definitely carrying some extra blubber compared to five or so months ago. I've taken some photos to remind myself that I've got a long way to go and that I need to stay focused and motivated.

These are going to make great 'before' pictures to show off once I have some 'after' ones to compare them to.

 I wouldn't really want to show anyone the ones of me in my underwear!

The perfect saturday

Put together a breakfast ray this morning, I had my teapot and cup, a jug of milk, a glass of juice, a plate of buttered toast and a bowl of muesli. I sat in bed and ate it all leisurely whilst listening to classic fm.
Bliss.
Did a bit of reading and had some lunch then took myself off to find the swimming pool. I got a bit lost and spent about half an hour wandering in the wrong direction, but I got there eventually and had a good swim and then a lovely shower. A bath just isn't the same when the shower's broken.
Whipped up a stir fry with smoked salmon and mange tout and perused tumblr.
I couldn't have asked for a better day.
Now I'm just trying to decide what to do with the rest of my evening. I should probably do some more uni work but I'm more likely to end up watching a film. I watched The Shining for the first time last night which was good, but I don't really have any other films I've been waiting to watch so I might go for an old favourite.

Very domesticated

As I was walking back from my lecture my dad rang to say he'd arrived to fix our back gate, so I sat in the sunshine and had some lunch whilst he fitted a new lock. Then I popped on my apron and got cleaning the kitchen, lounge and bathroom so they are now sparkling. I'd tuned the radio onto classic fm, and when I'd finished I kept it on and sat in the lounge reading my textbook and drinking tea using the teapot mum gave me for christmas.
A bit later I cooked myself pork with potatoes and broccoli. I did the pork in a honey, mustard and apple sauce which was very tasty. In the evening we all watched 'Stick it' a gymnastics film, and rather than eating ice cream like the others I had a small bar of dark chocolate which I melted and dipped apple into. My weight has been creeping up and up because I lost focus and slipped back into my old habits so I should really tighten the reigns a bit, but I did feel like I NEEDED some chocolate.
Oh, and our shower has broken which totally sucks and means we'll have to have baths for the forseeable future. 

OMG

My housemate was talking about her diet.
Her starting weight was 120lbs. That's 20lbs UNDER my ultimate goal weight.
I feel enormous.

Motivation wall

This is my motivation wall:

It's opposite my bed so it's the first thing I see when I wake up. I plan on adding to it as I find other pictures and quotes and hopefully eventually I'll be able to put my own progress pics up there.

Oops

Total binge today.
All because I didn't have a proper lunch so when I went to the supermarket I was craving snacks and 'treated' myself to a big bag of tortilla chips and a multipack of dips.
Spent the afternoon eating them and wasting time on the internet.
Then this evening I bought and ate two 125g galaxy bars even though I wasn't hungry in the slighest and even felt a bit sick.
Stupid emotional eating :(

Lovely weekend

Today was just as nice as yesterday.
I even managed to finish embroidering the bag for my gran, so my mum said she'll wrap it up and give it to her for me.
I know that tomorrow when I weigh myself I will probably have gone up again, but I won't mind too much because when I was eating I was never out of control and I don't think my calorie count was too excessive, it's just that I had several unhealthy treat foods at once. I fully intend to be healthy and make up for it this week though.

Happy Day

Stuck to my promise to myself and took myself off for a run this morning. There wasn't actually too much running involved because I'm horribly unfit, but I gave it a go which is the important thing.
When I got back I woke my brother up and we made pancakes. He'd never made them himself so I was teaching him which was nice. Painted my nails, played with my hair, and had a sandwich, then got the bus into town. I had a good wander round Primark and bought myself some new PJs, leggings and a top for exercising and some navy pump. Didn't manage to find a purse though, no where seems to sell what I'm looking for :(
Made pizza for dinner. I didn't do proper dough, just mixed flour with butter and milk, but it meant it was much quicker and I covered it in tomato puree, cheese, pepperonni and olives anyway. Finished off the tub of Ben & Jerry's from last night whilst watching 'Night at the Museum 2' just because it happened to be on TV. Spent the evening watching TV and doing embroidery - I'm really trying to finish the bag I'm working on so I can give it to my Gran as a very late birthday present.
I didn't get any uni work done, but I've had a lovely day and feel very relaxed and content. Everyone just seems to be really happy to have me home and that's so nice to know.

Home and Family

Back home for the weekend.
Mum bought aload of Ben & Jerry's and we watched Vantage Point then talked for hours and hours.
She was telling me about all the hassle she's been having with her brother and sister and I cannot believe some of the things they've said. They been very cruel and said some horrible things about our family (as in the 5 of us in my immediate family) that show that they think they are superior to us and apparently my dad has 'nothing better to do' now that he's retired, despite the fact that he is working incredibly hard fitting bathrooms and fixing computers to earn money.
My mum ended up on the very verge of tears several times. I don't think I'll ever forgive my aunt and uncle for the way they've made my mum feel.
It made me realise how proud I am of my family and how strongly I believe in our values.
I am really glad my mum was able to talk to me, I hope she knows that I'm always there for her.

Chocolate

I had a pretty productive day today and spent 9-6 on campus. As I was leaving I called in at Costcutters and bought myself two individual sized galaxy bars. I ate half of one as I walked home and the other half after my dinner. The unopened one is calling to me now and it is taking SO much willpower not to eat it. One bar comes in at 250 calories, so I think that's ok for a treat, but if I ate the second one I know I'd just feel guilty afterwards. When I weighed myself this morning I was flickering between 183/184 so I'd really like to be at 183 tomorrow.

EDIT
Problem solved! I gave the second chocolate bar to my housemate and she's going to keep it away from me/eat it herself :P

I'm freeeee

I finally finished my report.
I had got all the easy bits out of the way so last night at about midnight I sat down at my laptop to finish it and didn't stop until 9 this morning. It was the first time I've ever had to pull an all nighter and rather surprisingly I did it on just one cup of coffee.
I'm not too tired now, I just feel a bit light headed and I'm pretty sure I'll crash later but I want to make the most of my day rather than spend it sleeping and screw up my body clock.

UPDATE:
Well that didn't go to plan... Decided to have a quick nap before lunch and didn't wake up until 6pm so lost a whole day. Made myself dinner (salmon and noodles) and then hung out in the lounge watching TV. Made some more flapjack and had a couple of pieces. Diet hasn't been amazing today and I've not done any exercises, but usually in this situation I would reward myself with a giant bar of chocolate or a whole pack of biscuits, so I think I'm doing very well in resisting my sleep deprivation induced cravings :D

Nice chat

I was craving something sweet, so rather than going to the shop and buying a chocolate bar I decided to make some flapjack. That led to me sitting in the lounge with the girls whilst it was in the oven, and then eating it whilst watching TV, then watching the next TV programme to come on, then talking for a good couple of hours. It was a really nice chat, we talked alot about school and what we were like and how other people treated us. Then I was telling them all about my brother and how he is on the autistic spectrum and what that actually translates into in real life. In fact, I spilled alot about myself and my family. I get too honest for my own good sometimes, but I think this evening it just made us understand each other better.

Energized!

9am
Weighed in this morning at 183lbs, that's a loss of 3lbs in 3 days - woop woop!
Did the 30 day shred work out first thing this morning even though my muscles were sore before I even got out of bed. It hurt, but it already seemed a little easier, probably because I knew what I was doing.
Just cooling down now before I have a shower and some breakfast and then get on with the rest of my day knowing that my workout is out of the way :)

12pm
Urgh, my lecture was cancelled and nobody bothered to tell us until the entire year had been sat in the lecture theatre for half an hour. Now sat in the computer room trying to make myself read articles for my report but they are all so DULL.
In better news, I got an email telling me that my new MP3 player has finally been posted so I should have it in 3-5 days. The dispatch has been held up for ages because I accidentally put my delivery address as my statement address and they threw a hissy fit :( I've told myself that the day it arrives I'm going to go for a run with it. There is no way I can run without music, I need something to distract me from feeling like I'm about to die!

30 day shred

Well I haven't been quite as productive as I hoped. It has taken me all day to finish off my essay, but I think I did a good job so I'm happy.

I also did level 1 of the 30 day shred workout and now my legs are so sore! I don't think I'll want to do it tomorrow, but I'm mean to do it for ten days before moving up a level. I think if I wanted to do all the normal exercises rather than the easy versions it would take me alot longer than that, and I doubt I will ever be able to do a push-up, seeing as I can't even do one lady push-up.

It's recommended that you measure yourself before doing the shred so that you can see the inch-loss, so here are mine:
Arm (thickest part) 13 inches
Thigh (thickest part) 26 inches
Upper waist (smallest) 34 inches
Lower waist (at the belly button) 39 inches
Hips (biggest part) 42 inches

It'll be interesting to compare any inch-loss with any weight-loss :)

Goooood Morning!!!

Woke up this morning with more energy than I've had in a long time - finally turning things around?
I tried my muesli for the first time and luckily I liked it because I'm going to be eating it for the next six weeks! I grated half an apple on top and had it with milk, but it wasn't quite sweet enough for me so I'm going to up the fruit content.
Had a checky look at the scales and I have started to lose some weight, but I'll have to wait until my official weigh in tomorrow to add to my graph.

The plan today is:
Finish my essay and do all the referencing and editing
Work out for about 30mins
Have a healthy lunch and try toasting rye bread to see if that makes it eddible
Get as much of my report done as possible
Have a healthy dinner - I'm going to take the chicken and broccoli in sauce from my pie and have it with brown rice (the only thing that made it a pie was a bit of puff pastry on the top which has long since been demolished!)
Catch up on lectures and reading
Get an early night

We'll see how it goes!

My healthiest food shop ever!

Went to the supermarket today for a top up shop. I didn't need anything for dinners because I still have loads in, but I did need something for breakfasts.
I decided I'd make my own muesli, so I bought:
Oats
Sesame seeds
Sunflower seeds
Pumpkin seeds
Raisins
Dried apricots

I also bought aload of fruit:
Watermelon
Honeydew melon
Apples
Oranges
Bananas
Kiwi fruit

The only other thing I got was some rye bread. It's meant to be so much healthier than the white bread I usually eat but now I've tried it, I don't think it's worth it! I don't like the taste or the texture, but I don't like waste either so now I'm going to have to eat it up. It did have an unexpected plus though - after I'd tried it at lunchtime I didn't finish my slice, so later in the afternoon when I wanted something to eat I told myself that if I was THAT hungry I'd eat the rest of the slice. It stopped me from eating anything, and then after I decided I was hungry enough to eat it I didn't need to eat anything else.

This evening for my dinner I had some chicken and broccoli pie with parsnip mash - very yummy indeed and filling too. It had a high proportion of vegetables in it though, and taking today as a whole, I'm feeling very virtuous.

Tumblr

I spent waaay too much time this afternoon looking at thinspiration tumblrs.
Not depressing pro-ana ones, but positive ones that focused on fitness and health. They were very inspiring and very very motivating. I've printed out a couple of things and stuck them on my wall, so that when I am sat in bed I can see them. This is my favourite because my stomach is the bane of my life:

I have also drawn up a graph with weight on one axis and dates on the other. I plan to record my weight three times a week - monday, wednesday, friday - and then hopefully I'll be able to see it generally going down and the little fluctuations won't worry me so much. 

#sadface

I feel terrible.
Far too much to drink and I'm sure tuesday is having a delayed effect on me.
Got absolutely nothing done today.
Gave up and just went to sleep this afternoon.
I'm running out of time.
There is no way I'll be able to go home for the weekend :(
Oh, and I'm 189lbs... Woop-di-woop.

Smooth Move Idiot

So I went out with my housemates for a few driunks this evening.
At some point, I just randomly said 'I'm sad' and then blurted out about being heavier than i've ever been and crying all the time. They think I should talk to someone and get antidepressants form the doctor. I really shouldn't have mentined it. They said i could always ta;k to them about anything  that's bothering me, bu4t how can i talk to them about weight issues when they are as thin as rakes? I suppose at least now they have an explanation fr my odd behaviour when i'm ion a funny mod, but i fully intend on keeping this to myself andx dealiung with i9t on my own.

The morning after the night before

Well I drank two bottles of red wine and polished off a whole tub of chocolate icecream, before falling asleep on the sofa watching films. My hangover has not yet kicked in, I'm pretty sure I'm still a bit drunk. Deffo didn't fall asleep until after 4am and I can't have got much sleep on the tiny wicker excuse of a sofa, but my housemate heading off to uni woke me up so now I'm back in my own bed. My housemate seemed rather bemused this morning, she doesn't understand why Valentine's day is a big deal. To me VD is the one day a year that it is acceptable to be miserable about being alone and lonely and use it as an excuse to get drunk and eat chocolate and generally be decadent and self indulgent. I am not single out of choice. Anyway, I think I conducted myself pretty well last night considering. No moaning, seeing as I was on my own for the majority of the night so had no one to moan to. No crying, except at the sad parts of the films (Notting Hill, Ghost, and My Sister's Keeper btw). But best of all no drunken messages of any kind. I didn't call, text, email, facebook, anything! Success!

Valentine's Day

I am NOT going to let today get to me.
I spent the evening of Valentine's day 2010 with a friend, watching movies and getting very drunk on red wine. Then when I stumbled home, I threw up and nearly fell down the stairs and my parents put me in their bed so they could look after me. Very embarassing and I had the WORST hangover the next day.
I spent the evening of Valentine's day 2011 on my own, eating junk food and getting drunk and feeling sorry for myself. Then a friend persuaded me to go to a party in her flat for all the single people without dates. The guy who I'd slept with three days before was there and told me in no uncertain terms that he had no desire to see me again. This is the guy who went on to be my boyfriend for six months...
So, not a very good track history. I'm hoping that this evening will be spent watching films and getting merry and celebrating being single, without it turning ugly.

Assessments and Asignments

Rang up my parents to let them know my exam results - 60, 65, 66, 74 (thats three 2.1's and a first) and my essay and report grades - 72, 58 (first and a 2.2)
She told me she was proud of me which was very nice to hear. They're good marks but I'm still a bit disappointed. I am secretly hoping to get a first at the end of all this, but from these marks a low to mid 2.1 seems more likely. That wouldn't matter so much if I could turn around and say that I'd been really busy with university life and societies, but I'm really not involved in much. I'm allready halfway through uni and it feels like time is slipping away so quickly!
I'm now getting on with another essay and report which have to be in at the start of next week. I drew up a timetable of work for this week which optimistically set the date for my completed drafts as friday. If I do get drafts done by then I could go home and chill out for the weekend, but based on my lack of progress so far, I'm not holding my breath.

My new approach

I have magically lost 5lbs since I weighed myself yesterday morning. I must have had some SERIOUS water retention because yesterday I felt really dehydrated and couldn't get enough of the stuff.

I think that my new approach to eating is helping but I'm not expecting any results in the short term.
I have never been able to stick to a 'normal' diet of three balanced meals a day. For as long as I can remember I have always been sneaking extra food. Don't get me wrong, my parents always gave me plenty of food, with generous portions at dinner, but treats like biscuits and sweets were restricted. We had to ask for them and we were only allowed so much at a time.

One of my first memories is going downstairs before my parents woke up and taking kit kats out of the fridge and hiding by the backdoor to eat them. As I was growing up I was constantly taking extra food from the cupboards to eat in secret, and became rather tactical about it to try and stop anyone from realising. As soon as I was a teenager and was allowed to leave the house on my own, I was making frequent trips to supermarkets and the local co-op to buy sweets and chocolate. It got worse when I moved to university and I could eat as much as I wanted of anything I wanted. I have never had any restraint except when I've put myself on a diet. As soon as I get into the diet frame of mind I don't eat anything much at all for about a week, at which point I am so  hungry and tired and crabby that I give in and comfort eat. It doesn't really matter which diet I try, I always take it to the extreme and then give up because it's unmanageable.

That's why now, all I am focusing on is eating three meals a day and not bingeing. I am not tracking what I'm eating, counting calories or fat grams, or even whether I've had my five a day. I'm not too fussed about whether it is perfectly balanced as long as I break the habbit of a lifetime and start eating normally. My binges in the past few months have probably been adding an extra 1000 calories a day, so just taking that out of the equation should make a big difference.

The thing is that since I was about 15, no matter how much I've eaten my weight has always been between 12 and 13 stone. It seems to be my natural weight as it is hard for me to go below it and the other week was the first time I've ever been above it. So although cutting out my binges should technically make me lose weight I'm not 100% that it will work out that way.

Music

I've recently re-discovered my love of emo pop and these are what I have playing on repeat:

All time low - Time bomb

My chemical romance - Na na na na"

Panic at the disco - The ballad of mona lisa"

I like to plug in my headphones, crank up the volume and sing along. I can't hear myself so it doesn't matter that I can't sing!

You can shed a tear

Yesterday was the funeral and a very emotional day.
I spent the entire day either sat in a car, crying, or awkwardly trying to find something to say to grieving relatives. I found the service very upsetting, but at the same time I learnt so much about the person from the eulogy, and a poem that was read out was really beautiful:

You can shed a tear that she is gone
Or you can smile because she has lived

You can close your eyes and pray that she will come back
Or you can open your eyes and see that she has left

Your heart can be empty because you can't see her
Or you can be full of the love that you shared

You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday
Or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday

You can remember her and only that she is gone
Or you can cherish her memory and let it live on

You can cry and close your mind, be empty and turn your back
Or you can do what she would want: smile, open your eyes, love and go on.

When it was written it was about unrequitted love. At some point in was used at a Lady's funeral which the Queen heard about and asked for it to be read at the Queen Mother's funeral. Since then it has been a popular poem for funerals, but the reason it was read yesterday was that a clipping of it was found in my relative's address book and it was taken as a sign that she would have liked it. 

NHS self-assessment test

Based on the last two weeks:

Q - Have you found little pleasure or interest in doing things?
A- On more than half the days

Q - Have you found yourself feeling down or hopeless?
A - Nearly everyday

Q - Have you had trouble falling or staying asleep, or sleeping too much?
A - Nearly everyday

Q - Have you been feeling tired or had little energy?
A - On more than half the days

Q - Have you had a poor appetite or been overeating?
A - Nearly everyday

Q - Have you felt that you're a failure or let yourself or your family down?
A - Nearly every day

Q - Have you had some trouble concentrating on things like reading the paper or watching TV?
A - On more than half the days

Q - Have you been moving or speaking slowly, or very fidgety, so that other people could notice?
A - On some days

Q - Have you thought that you'd be better off dead or hurting yourself in some way?
A - No, not all


Result - Based on your responses today it's very likely that you could be suffering from some form of depression but only an experienced health professional can tell for sure.

The last conversation

i hated you so much the sight of you made me angry, that took too much energy, now i really don't care about you, i guess you'd say i'd totally moved on

well i've not. and you starting talking to me made me really confused

now im not sure i should be happy cause we're talking, or i should be sad cause it doesnt really matter

well i did't expect you to talk back, and you started the convo today, take from that what you will, i'd be fine never talking to you again

well okay
well, my mistake. i got my hopes up

just that talking to you made me feel happy, that's all

----

as much you would like to say that you say what the hell you want to whoever and whenever, you need to think about others first

i don't think i need to consider your feelings anymore

so am i less than anyone you know?

pretty much

im just going to not talk about this anymore

because given in any circumstance if someones else would be in my place, they would probably try to say a lot of hurtful things

but i'm just going to forget it. really. i'm just miserable and tired now

----

this is what i am telling you. i think that you're really lovely and i understand why you treat me horribly and i accept the fact. thats the truth

because i was really happy being with you together and i wish i didnt mess it up

nothing changes even how much i tell you how i feel about us cause it doesnt matter to you

well you can look at it through rose tinted lenses if you like, but i'm realistic

im realistic enough to know that its over for us

i just want to keep whatever memories i still have, and live with it cause i rather know something beautiful happened than knowing how it ended

but nothing beautiful happened! we were terrible together!

----

can you atleast tell me the truth about what was going on with your ex? that is the one thing that still really bugs me

she doesnt exist

she is just someone whom i met on the internet and childishly started an internet long distance relationship

so what about the whole 'i came to uni in england to be near her' thing?

she was in LSE (or so she said), and i decided to go to england to find out if she's real or not

but she left jus when i got here

so yeah

so after we broke up you just decided to pretend that you were back together?

hah

i just want to make it look as if i'm dealing with our break up quite well

but apparantly not

because i have really strong feelings for you

----

i really cannot think of one horrible thing to say to you, but i can come up with a few to say about myself

well i doubt all of them are justified

i'm pretty sure they are

firstly, i shouldnt have made you do things that you dont like

like, cutting your hair and dying it black

and things like wanting to put on make up and wearing glossy stockings

i really should have kept my mouth shut because the way i see it now, i'm such a dickhead telling you what i think its good or not for you

because you should be able to do or wear whatever you want or like

and you just accommodated to me and did it anyways

and now when i look at it, i'm such a dickhead, so that's one largely to blame and i deserve a lot of horrible punishment

well if it was just the hair and the tights and stuff like that it'd be one thing. but how you made me feel for all those months... yeah karma

how did i make you feel?

will you tell me?

you made me feel weak-willed, because i just ended up doing what you wanted even when i really didn't want to do it. you made me feel like i went against all my principles. the things you said to my friends were constantly embarassing. i felt stupid. I felt like a slut.

i never knew how to treat a person properly, not even my girlfriend

now i understand why people tell me that im horrible

i know this may sound ridiculous, but is there any way i can do to slowly make it up to you?

because i really need to do it, if not i will feel miserable for the rest of my life now

----

i want you to know that i can change

well, pro-tip, don't drunkenly sleep with someone, brush them off, ask them out, sleep with them, dump them, be friends with benefits, ask them out and then continue treating them like friends with benefits. i went along with it becuae i didn't know what i was doing. but i shouldn't have and i'd never do it again, and i recommend that you don't if you don't want to look like a dickhead

really. i should be shot

i wasnt sure what the hell i was doing either

because in all fairness, and this may mean nothing to you, i do really want you to be my girlfriend and if i do it again, i'll take a different approach by dating you and taking time to actually know you

i really messed up big and good and i truly believe that i need to be punished for this, but i also want to show you that i'm not that person whom i was that

its after that you have doubts about us, then i realise how much i really want to be with you and how i want to be perfect for you but i dunno how

also ...

the teddy bears you made for me, and you stuffed it with your glossy stockings

everything i think of you, i would look at the bear that you made for me, and it smells like you cause of your perfume

i should have taken into consideration when you say 'no kilts' for our formal

i bet it made you feel embarassed and if i could do it again, i would have wore a suit which you really loved

:(

i cant help but feel horrible

cause i know how horrible i made you felt, and i have no right to miss you :(

----

i want it to be crystal clear that i am not interested in even being friends. i don't want to lead you on or anything. but if a lunch would mean something to you, then it gives us an opportunity to say any last things and then afterwards I'll consider us history, move on, and never mention it again.

but i really want you in my life

i want to forget that you were in my life

i know its been half a year now but i still do miss you a lot ...

i don't think i ever felt that strongly even when we were together

even so, i feel that way though

sometimes i just lie in bed thinking about the things that went wrong and how its my fault all along

i dont expect to change the past, but i do want to make a better future

just give me a chance and let me change and maybe that will change your mind

no, i won't change my mind. Even if your behaviour was impecible, I don't find you attractive
i don't know why it took me so long to twig, i guess i was excited to be in my first proper relationship, but you are not my type at all
so will you just concentrate on moving on?

i really do not want to talk to you, or see you now. i thought that you talking to me is a good sign, but ive mistaken once again. its going to be awkward between us and you have to live with it for a year or two. i never thought you were a bitch for not talking to me by the way

i was doing so well until you talked to me again, so im really crushed right now

really. i dont want to talk to you now

youve destroyed every remaining last happy memories i had for us

i hope you're happy now, cause i feel absolutely miserable

to think, that i'm still so silly to even have the photo that we took together framed up

everyday i get reminded of you by it, and how sweet i think that we looked together

but now, you've ruined everything for me

i am going to return your book

and i'll burn the rest of our photos and stuff

i really do not want to get reminded of us anymore because i feel really sad now

----

Extending an olive branch

I just started a conversation with my ex on facebook.
We chatted for a bit, all very polite and genial.
It did make me feel better, I didn't feel like he thought I was being a giant bitch.

Getting tired of being sad

I feel rubbish and I want to snap out of it but can't.
My sleeping is all messed up and I still haven't made it to any lectures.
It really feels like I'm two different people. When I'm happy I have such a different outlook on life, do different things, say different things, enjoy different things.
Now I'm practically bed bound the amount of time I've spent in it this past week. I just pull the duvet over my head and tell the world to go away. I doubt I could get away with that in the real world, but as a student it's almost standard. It feels like I'm wasting my life though. I can't watch tv, play card games and surf the internet forever; but doing anything else would require so much energy, something I'm in short supply of.

I am a mess

I thought I'd pulled myself together.
Then I found out that one of my relatives died.
At first I was fine, I knew it was coming. Then I was going to a tutorial and a guy I barely know said something along the lines of 'smile, it might never happen'. I turned round and told him that someone I knew had just died. That was mean of me. If I'd made that mistake I would feel so guilty. But it really does annoy me when people say that, they are making a judgement on how you should be acting or feeling before they know the situation, it's just so presumptious.
As I was walking home I started to cry and as soon as I was in my room I broke down. Since then I've been in bed, eating and losing myself by watching NCIS. I missed two lectures and haven't done any work.
When my dad rang me to tell me, he said I should ring my mum who is staying with my gran. I couldn't bring myself to do it. I didn't know what to say and I didn't know what she'd say. I don't want to hear her being upset. No one tells you how to act in these kind of situations.
I went through all of the photos I have on my laptop, dating back to the day I was born. I only have five photos of the relative who died. I don't think thats an accurate representation of how much they meant to me at all.

Trip to the seaside!

I needed to spend some time by myself, get my head straight and get happy.
There's just something about the sea that is calming, makes me think, and makes me feel good about life all at once.

Deserted beach - so quiet and peaceful and amazingly sunny for January

I hopped on a train and spent the whole day at the seaside. I walked along the beach, sat in a greasy spoon and ate fish and chips, wandered around the town poking about in the shops, and got my teeth stuck into a book. It was lovely!

Found this tshirt in a charity shop. It's meant to be a men's shirt but it was only a pound so I'm going to use it to sleep in. Oversized shirts are so comfy and a bright happy one might help make grey early mornings a little more bearable :D

Stupid ex

Really starting to get sick of having to see my ex virtually every day.
He's on the same university course as me, so every time I go to a lecture he's there.
Usually he's already sat in his seat near the front, and I have to walk across the front of the room and go past him to get to where I like to sit at the back. I try to ignore him and pretend I can't see him so I've managed to avoid making any kind of eye contact for a good few weeks. But when I'm sat down I can see his stupid fat head at the front of the class and it's just so IRRITATING!
Any feelings I ever had for him have just turned to hate.
Getting with him was the biggest mistake I've ever made.
In two weeks it will be a year since that fateful night when we first hooked up. I'm so ashamed thinking of it now, it wasn't at all how I thought it would go down. I was absolutely off my face drunk and there are big chunks of that night I still don't remember. How I let that turn into a six month relationship is beyond me, thinking about it just makes me angry at myself. Was I that desperate for a boyfriend that I was willing to put up with HIM?
We were 'fuck buddies' for ages because he didn't want a girlfriend, and I just went along with it because I had no idea what I was doing. I didn't really want to be in a relationship with him, but I hated being treated like a dirty little secret. All he ever talked about was whether any of my flat mates had twigged what was happening... Looking back now I have no idea why I did it because I don't find him attractive at all. I'm not saying that I'm good looking, but he wasn't pushing any buttons for me. The whole thing just makes me feel really stupid, and having to see him all the time is a constant reminder of how badly I screwed up.

No point bitching and moaning

I think I've got most of it out of my system.
I still feel really down but crying isn't going to change that.

I started today by watching The Fat Fighters on 4oD - I think I need someone to shout at me to make me work hard! I can't afford a personal trainer so I had to make do with youtube videos. This 3 part routine is classed as a warm up, but I'm so out of shape that it was a good work out for me.

I'm still trying to work out what to let myself eat. I feel like doing some crazy restricting to punish myself, but I really don't want to end up bingeing again so I can't be TOO harsh. Maybe just limit myself to soup for the rest of the week?

:(

Feeling very miserable now.
I just burst into tears and couldn't control myself. I'm so full of hate towards myself.
I've started drinking vodka to stop myself from eating because I've eaten so much I feel sick but I still can't stop.
I sound so pathetic...

Yeowch

186lbs.
That is the heaviest I have ever been in my entire life.
This sucks.

I weigh the same as:

This world record breaking burger.

31 house bricks.

4 adult Merino sheep.



Yuck, yuck, yuck.

Better knuckle down...

So I've been a bit naughty recently, haven't really been paying much attention to what goes in my mouth, so I'm going to start keeping a food diary to hopefully shock myself into eating better.
Tomorrow is Monday so I'm going to consider it a fresh start. I'll also do a weigh in which is bound to be depressing because I just feel bigger than ever. Today my tummy is just HUGE so I need some flat, toned inspiration...

GORGEOUS!!!

Muffins!

I'm really into baking atm. For christmas one friend got me a recipe book full of cupcake, cookie and muffin recipes and another friend got me a cupcake stand so I've been making the most of them.
<- These are my carrot and corriander muffins I made this afternoon.
I didn't leave them in the oven for long enough, but the last batch I made I burnt the bottoms of, so maybe my next batch will be perfect!
I deliberately made savory muffins so that I wouldn't be as tempted to eat them all - I don't want a muffin top after all! (Bad pun intended :P)

Getting CRUNK!

Got rather tipsy this evening, or 'crunk' as my housemate would say.
Started off with 2/3rds bottle of rose wine then had a Morning Glory in a cocktail bar. I had a quick google for the recipe and can't find two that agree but I'm pretty sure my verson contained absinthe, brandy, bitters and lemon. It tasted rather aniseed-y, a bit like a mixture of sambucca and tequila. Not my favourite thing to drink but it got the job done :P
I hate to think how many calories I mindlessly consume when drinking. Usually I'd probably burn most of them off by dancing for a few hours but we couldn't face the long queues in the cold to get into a club. None of the clubs in this town are worth standing around for two hours!

My Inspiration

I know it's not very realistic, but the person I most wish I looked like is Anne Hathaway.
I guess it's because she's not uber thin, I think she'd about 120 lbs although she does seem to have become slimmer recently. Plus her hair and her eyes and that SMILE, I just think she's gorgeous. I loved her in The Princess Diaries and The Devil Wears Prada - I can identify with her goofy, unfashionable, out of place characters and only hope that I can transform myself like they do.

I love this picture because it's so natural, she's not posing under lights covered in make-up and airbrushed. Plus I am so envious of that stomach, my fat rolls are my biggest insecurity and dictate everything I wear and how I feel. I even think I could put up with everything else if I just had a reasonably flat stomach.

I wish I had arms like that! I'm too self conscious of my 'bingo-wings' to wear sleeveless tops so even on really hot days I cover up with a cardigan, although in Yorkshire that only tends to be a problem one day a year!!

Those legs...
I generally go for knee length skirts, and would never dream of wearing a shorter one without tights. It would be so nice to be able to wear shorts.

This is a pretty good example of the kind of outfit I like to wear on a daily basis (when I'm not being lazy in jeans and a hoody), but it just doesn't look as good when you're chubby.

Charity Shop Shopping

Had a browse round some charity shops today and got all of these clothes for £40, considering that four of the items were bnwt I'd call that a successful trip! I'm trying to stick to a budget because I've decided to save up for a holiday to Barcelona this Easter - hopefully I'll be able to go for four or five nights at the end of March, I've been looking at hostels and getting very excited! It won't be hot beach weather by then so I don't have to stress about being bikini ready, but if I'm going to be clubbing every night that is massive motivation to look good.

My Starting Point

I want to change.

I NEED to change.

Putting photos like these online might not be the best idea, but hey. If they are semi-public it will make me feel more accountable. The anonymity of the internet can make people harsh, but I think any comments would only make me more determined.

That's all 5'10", 184lbs of me.